Disney attractions spawn many movie possibilities
July 6, 2003
BY PAIGE WISER SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
This week's argument: Disney attractions will inspire more movies than Shakespeare.
Even I understand what corporate synergy is. It means that different divisions work together on a project, and then they merchandise the hell out of it. Case in point: Disney's amusement park ride "Pirates of the Caribbean," which is now being released in movie form on Wednesday.
A summer action hit. Increased traffic in Orlando. An overpriced line of souvenirs, such as Johnny Depp-endorsed liquid eyeliner. What's not to love?
Disney's tried this before, of course. The 2002 movie "The Country Bears" was based on Disneyland's "The Country Bears Jamboree," and it united the accomplished actors Haley Joel Osment and Christopher Walken for what we hope won't be the last time.
But this is Disney's first PG-13-rated movie (in the past, they shuffled more adult-oriented material to their Touchstone or Miramax banners). While the screenplay doesn't include any °O°°O°°O°, drugs or profanity, there are a few slit throats.
And there are plans for more edgy entertainment. A film based on their amusement park ride "The Haunted Mansion" is scheduled to be released Thanksgiving weekend.
We applaud this trend in filmmaking, and want to contribute our ideas. The possibilities! We were tempted to include all sorts of classic theme park rides, from the Tilt-a-Whirl to the kiddie coaster. But then we realized that "The Zipper" would most likely be a porno, so we decided to stick to all things Disney.
Here are three film projects, pre-packaged and ready to go. No need to thank us; just cut us in on the back end.
Title: "Hall of Presidents"
Pitch: What can top the recent spate of superhero blockbusters? A team of patriotic, bi-partisan world leaders with radioactive facial hair! The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen will wet themselves.
Plot: By day, these immortal politicians pose as wax figures who drone on about the Constitution. But by night, they act on the 28th amendment: The right to kick °O°°O°°O°!
Casting: Going the look-alike route is too risky; Lincoln's mole alone will scare off audiences. Let's reinvent Honest Abe as a beefed-up Josh Hartnett. We see Russell Crowe as Rutherford B. Hayes, and Ryan Phillippe has already expressed interest in the pivotal character of Grover Cleveland. We're pretty sure we can get Carter for a cameo.
Title: "It's a Small World"
Pitch: "The Wizard of Oz" meets "Chucky" meets that scene in "Barbarella" where the scary dolls with sharp teeth start gnawing at Jane Fonda's tight spacesuit.
Plot: An 11-minute ride just isn't enough time to hear that theme song over and over and over. We're envisioning a low-budget, cult slasher film. You know, to give those audio-animatronic robots a chance to show just how sinister they can be. The ethnically correct, we're-all-the-same-at-heart spirit will remain intact: In this movie, no culture gets out alive! Randy Newman's already on board to supplement the soundtrack.
Casting: Every short actor in Hollywood will be lining up to fight the midget onslaught--and look like towering gods in the process. Tom Cruise! Sylvester Stallone! P. Diddy! William Shatner! We can probably get Kurt Russell to work for scale.
Title: "Mad Tea Party"
Pitch: An experimental art film ... for children.
Plot: The cartoon "Alice in Wonderland" was wiggy, but it didn't go far enough. Most of today's kids haven't yet had their first experience with hallucinogenic drugs, much less mental illness. Let's expand those little minds. There won't be a "plot," at least not according to the bourgeois definition of the word. We see elements of "Un Chien Andalou," Stan Brakhage's paint-on-film techniques, 3-D glasses and the Teletubbies.
Casting: Director Spike Jonze has some interesting ideas. He thinks that young audiences will be ready to embrace another Mickey--Rourke!
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DP, They are thinking of you! 
șoș
I'm glad that the media is finally picking up on this. If they make that film, maybe people will realize just how those dolls really are. 
